By Caitlin Daday, Swimming World College Intern
One year ago at Bucknell University’s Kinney Natatorium, I suffered the disappointment of coming within 1.4 seconds of the Olympic Trials cut in the 800 freestyle. That failure shut me down, and for the next year I made those 1.4 seconds my sole focus. When I arrived back at Bucknell last weekend, I knew that this race would be the one—it was my last chance, and I was ready. I had worked on so many different aspects of my race both in and out of the pool, and I felt more prepared than ever. I went into the race with the confidence that nothing would prevent me from getting that cut.
At the end of a race like that, I expected the place to be going wild. So it is never a good sign when I swim what feels like the race of my life but only hear a collective gasp followed by silence. Once I turned around I realized why everyone was so quiet. I missed the cut by the tiniest of margins. Now what?
I have written before that failure seems as though your entire world has come crashing down. I can confirm from my experience last weekend that that feeling is real and it’s pretty awful. When I saw 8:50.34 on the board (the cut is 8:49.99), I did not even know how to react. I hung there on the wall, just staring. For probably the first time in my life I had no emotion.  Everything I had worked so hard for fell apart in that .35 seconds that I did not have my hand on the wall. How am I supposed to react when my biggest dream had just been crushed? I do not think I will ever forget the feeling, if I even felt anything. I was pretty numb as I walked around taking in all the looks and ‘great races’ from every person on the pool deck.
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